More Questions

This neighbor is currently running up and down my street - has been for the last hour or so. At least he is wearing a helmet. On an all too regular basis someone is scrapping the body parts of teen drivers off the payment and out of wrecked cars here in Sonoma county. Just a few nights ago some teens were racing through a near-by neighborhood at speeds up to 70 mph (news story) when they crashed into some cars and caused serious damage to themselves. I don't know if there is anything particularly unique to this place - we have a lot of old farming roads with blind curves and a lot of folks who seem to need to drive as fast as possible on those roads. I'm a fast driver and yet more often then not I've got some large pick up truck (my new favorite car to hate now that I'm out of Marin) trying to drive up my exhaust pipe. I want a sign I can turn on - say mounted in my rear view mirror that says: I can't go any faster than the car in front of me just to drive down River Road.

There seems like there is a lot of anger on the road around here.

A few months ago, Bill & I were in a casual upscale bar in Windsor with a friend from Windsor Presbyterian Church on a Friday night. It was singles night - but the desperation in the room was odd to figure out. Am I older now and can see it better? It seemed like folks were in some form of a dead-end desperation - and were drinking, trying to hook up, as a way to cover over the pain. Is this the new economy? Where is the hope?

Maybe I'm too naive. Maybe I'm too protected. Maybe I'm too old. Maybe there is a need for speed just to feel like you're getting someplace - anyplace - even if its the same old place.

Living in Whine Country

This is my neighbor directly across the street from us. He seems to be a perfectly nice guy, with lots of friends and family in the neighborhood - all of whom seem to drive large, diesel powered trucks and SUV and who seem to have a need to stop and idle for up to an hour in the middle of the street while talking about - well whatever they talk about.

In addition to the bright red powerboat, he also owns a large RV, about as big as a local delivery truck. The normal other car in the drive way is also a pure white SUV. He has recently added about 2 or 3 little four wheel dirt bikes or something and lately I'm noticing a motorcycle running around the front. Furthermore, in spite of there being a major water shortage and daily urging to do the right thing, this man has suddenly produced a gas powered water washing thing so he can keep all his toys very pretty. If we run out of gas in this world early, I'm sorely tempted to hold this man personally responsible.

But it would hardly be fair because look at the rest of the Stepford-Wife Subdivision:

My neighbor to the left - count the SUVs

A view down the street: all suv and/or who-the-hell-needs-a-muffler-american-pick-ups. I should have taken a pix in the evening when everyone was home. There are RV and boats and motorcycles galore. My neighbor on the other side has two SUV - and the middle son has recently acquired one of those damn lawn mower powered scooter things which he enjoys riding up and down the street, helmet be damned.

Has anyone in this neighborhood heard about global warming?

What the heck are they going to do when the oil runs out?

And why does this bug me so much?

Always a good question to ask, in spite of its deep annoying call to self-examination. Its much more fun when its someone else's fault but I've been reading the line about splinters vs logs way too long to not do this.

1) I'm still pretty isolated. I work out of the home and I don't get out much. Its been tough to identify groups that I might get involved with and I use the family as an excuse not to try too much. I did attempt to attend a local evening Jazzercise class but after a year of showing up and not having folks talk to me it was getting rather dreary. The core group had been working out together for nearly 20 years so I could hardly blame them. It just that there I was, still lonely, when standing around in a group of 30 women. Also I was irritating my shoulder rotator cuff and when I went to see an orthopedist he started sharpening up the surgery blades and I'm sooo very against extra holes in my body that I decided that maybe I should pursue another form of exercise instead. Plus, it was a class that meet at 6 pm, tough on family dinner when the boys were around and hard to show up for cuz other events in my life rolled through so I'd pay but not go and that seemed stupid.

But how stupid is it to sit here at my desk and not do anything at all?

2) I don't know my neighbors. I'm pretty sure they do not deserve my judgment. They are just people trying to get by in this world. I'm pretty sure I'm using this as a way to protect myself from - what? My own demons of negativity? I should get out more. I should practice humility. These people deserve mercy, God's love, Christ's reconciling presence. Who the hell am I to be tossing these stones?

Maybe its eating me - my own insecurities about if I'm good enough, if I'm ever going to be ordained, my own decisions that seem decent enough at the time but now, here are the consequences and maybe I was stupid or afraid or selfish or something. So I want to resist being where I am.

A couple of weeks ago I was informed that Covenant Network is downsizing which means: me. This wasn't news actually. I could see it coming from a long way off and I was frustrated that no one else could. And its not like I wanted to be with CovNet forever - its just that I have no idea about what comes next or when. I've recently had cause to encounter written and verbal affirmations of my call to ministry which make this unfulfilled ache within ever more intense. (I can only begin to imagine how this must feel to our brothers and sisters who face significant barriers to ordination)

Ah well.

God is good.
God does not abandon.
If this is where I am to be, then help me, O Lord, to see what needs to be done here
If this is not where I am to remain, O Lord, then help me to see where it is I should go