In less than a month, I will turn 50 years of age.
This fact is increasingly capturing my attention.
49 years old is still - well - plausibly deniable.
50 is real.
50 is a mark. 50 is a clear signal that we do not have forever to accomplish it all. 50 is the beginning of the third quarter with the increased awareness that the clock is still running.
So I'm starting to think about it. Where have I been? What did all that mean? Where do I want to go? I'm still healthy and strong and expect to be so for a while yet. But that horizon that seemed so far away when I was 20 years old and starting my first real job of my adult life is a lot more closer now. Choices made increasingly can no longer be undone and still more choices lie before me. There are possibilities - dreams if you will - that need to be evaluated and perhaps released or perhaps retained for a little while longer.
I'm turning 50 in less than a month.
3 comments:
Hey Anitra, Good to see you at GA! I know a guy who got his AARP card the same day he and his wife started their prepared childbirth classes. Do you think that would make things better or worse???
well - and isn't that such a gender-centric privilege...
Fertility for women pretty much comes to a full on screeching halt (unless you happen to be named sarai) and that particular reality is a huge part of aging for women. Our loss of fertility tends to make us unattractive in the eyes of society and too many husbands who aren't dealing well with their own aging journey. We all see the women who are doing the surgeries, the hair coloring, the massive amounts of ointments and balms on the counter top all to try and stay competitive in both the workplace and even in their own home.
Even more close to my reality - one of the possibilities currently closing off is my own fertility. No more babies. And while I'm intellectually very okay with this and have been for about 20 years now - I still need to release, grieve and celebrate that part of my life which was so profoundly nurturing and life giving.
I've always thought that women's experience of menstrual cycle and motherhood tends to help us be more aware of the passing of time and the cycles within our lives then men. I think that may be part of the reason why some men have a tougher time confront their aging - there aren't as many clear signals that time is moving along. Perhaps it was a very good thing for this particular farther-to-be to be reminded that he is about to parent within a tighter horizon.
I turn 51 in less than 3 days. My AARP card arrived yesterday. I suppose in the move from CA to MI they had a hard time finding me. Alas, you can run but you cannot hide.
This morning, my co-workers and I gave a "princess" birthday party for Nylaya, turning 3 tomorrow. Her dad was ordained Sunday and the moving truck comes tomorrow to move them to Baldwin WI. I don't know the last time I was at a child's birthday party -- I wore my princess tiara as did my friend, Beth since our birthdays are also this week. It was quite festive. The best part was hearing Nylaya's absolute DEEEE-LIGHT at the pink cupcakes. She loved that we sang "Happy Birthday." Her friend, Ella, came in the door (also in princess attire)and Nylaya ran over to give her the sweetest hug.
It's the best birthday party I've been to in a long while.
I turn 51 on July 3.
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